In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
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He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2