If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.