“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start