My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
You Might Also Like
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.