In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
my proudest tweet
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
My new favorite headline
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.