Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.