Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
guys I’m going home
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
this country is so goddamn polarized
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.