My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.