Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Just parrot things
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Made something I’m not proud of
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.