Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
uncle dave has been through hell
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?