two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.