tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them