I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
three things we don’t talk about
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.