Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.