DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
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I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.