Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
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Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
one of
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive