Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.