my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You Might Also Like
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how