An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Always…
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Order here:
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.