And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.