Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Trying
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it