Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Sorry not sorry.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell