You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
You Might Also Like
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*