What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.