Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.