can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Good news
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Yes my dude
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.