That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.