There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Got ya covered
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.