90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula