Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
When I said I liked it rough.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD