My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.