My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.