Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
You Might Also Like
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.