I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs