ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Every house has this drawer
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair