6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair