[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.