Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
You Might Also Like
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
wtf is an acronym
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.