When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Feels
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Broom by every window for quick escape.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Gods work.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop