Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My nickname in high school was “who?”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Breaking news:
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.