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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Most fashion shows these days…
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”