The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]