Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )