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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.