Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
You Might Also Like
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
yeah no that’s fair
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Inside you there are two wolves
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*