Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
We avoided this particular disaster
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I saw this ending much differently.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳