Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Smells like a challenge to me
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”