The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’m being attacked 😭
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.