You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder