America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
You Might Also Like
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.